I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
