i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
