just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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