He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
