broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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