So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
