we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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