Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Vodka?
Forever.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
My penis needs a shock collar
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
