Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
