Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Randomize
