He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
