i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
