All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
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