I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
