Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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