i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
