So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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