but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
