I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
