listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
