The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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