please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
