K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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