i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
