Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
