If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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