I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
