I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
