U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
