maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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