so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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