So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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