My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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