Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
