Plan B is the new Plan A
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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