Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
