Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
