You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
