we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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