I am in a vortex of obligation.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
