We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
