who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
