11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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