I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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