i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
When are your genitals available?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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