woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
zippers are such a cool invention
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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