It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
