you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
