There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
