he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
